January 1989: Joel’s birth is heralded in newspapers across Chicago as the most attractive and well-endowed infant in decades October 1993: His works in the finger-painting medium begin to garner international attention, most of which remains on display in the Louvre today November 1994: He quickly leaps to the top of his 1st grade class for his mastery of such difficult spellings as “friend” and “because” December 1995: Upon receiving his first guitar for Christmas, Joel soon wows the nation with his heartfelt rendition of “Pop Goes the Weasel,” soon climbing to the top of the billboard music charts. October 1995: representatives from major universities nationwide come to scout Joel as he demolishes his 3rd grade competition on the ice hockey rink. July 2000: Joel spends his first week at Camp Anokijig where his aptitude for pranks, hookups, and general revelry earn him an almost immediate legendary status. June 2007: Continuing his trend of scholastic excellence began in his elementary school days, Joel graduates high school Cum Laude. After turning his back on the plethora of scholarships offered, he opted instead for a scholarly pursuit at the University of Wisconsin. Future plans include a life of philanthropy, crime fighting, and nude posing for Rick “The Silver Fox” Johnson.
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